100% Surefire Pickup Lines @ LaughNet

100% Surefire Pickup Lines

"Where do you live?"

"I'd really like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel."

"Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching you..."

"Would you like to join me in the Bahamas next week?"

"Would you like to see my Congressional Medal of Honor?"
...then, after fumbling with finding it,
"Oops! I must have left it at home."

"You shouldn't run around looking like that or one of us sex-starved young men might attack you."

Did you have a color television when you were a kid? (Flesh this out with the old "settle an argument" trick, ask her what color Fred Flintstone's dog Dino is. This has *never failed* to generate further conversation.)

You're "no parking", aren't you? (Another two-parter. Explain that you're trying to guess her sign. This is so stupid that it's almost bulletproof in the right kind of bars.)

"Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?"

"What's your blood type?"

"I'm into semiology. What's your sign?"

At the laudromat, "How much bleach should I put in with my good suit?"

Once, I was in a coffee shop and while the waitress was pouring my cup of coffee she said, "Say when." Response: "As soon as I finish this coffee." All it got me was a nasty look.

"Hi, I'm incredibly rich."

"Hey, I know you! You were Miss Ohio last year, weren't you?"

"Wow, I like your jeans. Did you design them yourself?"

"What a lovely dog! Does it have a phone?"

"Lie down; I think I love you."

"Want to go to my place for some data? 1600 BPI -- the good stuff!"

Gee, you look like my sister

I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little.

If I weren't so romantic, I'd shoot you.

I can't help noticing that you left your peas.

Isn't my father your tax attorney?

I bet you have delicious thighs.

If you went swimming with me, I'd lick you dry.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about the synchronocity of multiple orgasms?

My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.

My friend and I have a fifty-cent bet that you won't take off your blouse in a public place.

I only have a month to live, and I feel like I've never really lived before. My appendix is about to burst, would you drive me to the hospital?

I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.

Not only am I rude and tasteless and trying to get you into bed, but I'm also being paid for it.

Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even been to bed together?

Have you ever had sex underwater?

You look remarkably like our gardener.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

I know a great way to burn off the 300 calories in that pastry you just ate.

I'm learning Latin; would you like to come home with me and help me practice oral declinsions?

I've been slightly depressed ever since my vasectomy.

Do you wanna fuck or do you have herpes?

You look nice and clean.

You've got nice tits; wanna fuck?

No, that's not a gun in my pocket. I am happy to see you.

Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.

I'm drunk.

I just threw up.

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that.

You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.

Are you wearing windex? I swear I can see myself in your pants.

They call me Milk, because I do your body good.

Hey baby, what winks and fucks like a tiger?

You sweat just like David Dinkins.

Your daddy must be a drug dealer cos you dope.

Well, fuck me if I'm wrong but is your name Bob?

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

(Wait til the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, ) come on, we're leaving. (The key is to act like you know them.)

Does your ass still hurt from when you fell out of heaven?

Do you believe in love at first sight? If not, I'll walk by again.

You don't sweat much for a fat girl.

(Lick your finger and touch the person, touch yourself with it and say,) let's you and me get out of these wet clothes.

If I follow you home, will you keep me?

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Hey babe, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

Do you want to fuck, or should I apologize?

That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

Let's take a shower together --you smell.

Yo, my friend likes you.

Nice titties.

Hey, sweet tits!

Do you want to see something swell?

Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

Drop 'em!

Excuse me.

Wanna fuck like bunnies?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said:"Smile if you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh.

Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

Hey baby, let's go make some babies.

At the office copy machine."Reproducing eh?""Can I help?" Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?

Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."

Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?

A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?

Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)

Bond. James Bond.

Do you spit or swallow?

You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what's one more?

Your place or mine?

Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

Your face or MINE!?

"Are you ready to go home yet?"

When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

I'd look good on you.

Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

I would kill or die to make love to you. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?

I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

HI! Can I buy you a car?

NOW, BITCH!

Fancy a fuck?

My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.

Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

Look at the tag in her shirt and say:"I want to see if you were really made in heaven."

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?

You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked? ...(Yes)...From the inside?

Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.

If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?

Hi, how are you?

Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?

I am a magical being, take off your bra.

Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?

Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

Hold out two fingers and say:"Why should a women masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.)"'Cause they're mine sweetheart."

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] : I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR I want to call your mother and thank her.

Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]

You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."

Can I flirt with you?

Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

[Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

So... How am I doin'?

[Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

The first time is always the hardest.

Excuse me, are you on the pill?

Hi there. Do you swallow?

Wow! Are those real?

Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?

Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it?

I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included.

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?

Do you take it up the ass?

Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you? Uh...no.... Well, do you want some?

What would you do if I kissed you right now?

Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?

Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.

Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?

Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

Pull my finger.

Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.

Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

They say love is a many splendored thing. Let's make some and find out...

Hi. I go down on the first date...how about you?

Hi, what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?

Do you like apples? [Yes] How 'bout I take ya home and fuck the shit out of ya, how'd ya like dem apples?

I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished.

Will you marry me and have my children? (unfortunate side-effects: beware!)

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch!

Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.

Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?

"I would gladly crawl naked on my hands and knees through broken glass in the middle of February at 3 am. in a howling blizzard just to get a sniff of the exhaust fumes from the garbage truck taking your sperm-soaked, skid-marked panties to the landfill site"

You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

"Are you ready to go home yet?"

Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.

Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?

You know what I like about you? My arms.

I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... On a Wednesday.

Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?

How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA-approved cosmetics?

Do you believe in one-night-stands?

With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear.

If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me?

If I gave you a neglige for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?

If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

I'm leaving this place... want to cum?

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? And are you dissapointed?

Who's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

Free mamograms, get your free mamograms here, get 'em while they're hot!

Do you have a quarter? Too bad, becuase I need to call my mother and tell her that I found the woman of my dreams.

Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.

Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.

I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?

Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's

You smell wet. Let's Party.

Pardon me miss, but I can't help noticing that you have cum in your hair.

Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?

I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime...

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.

Excuse me, do you live around here often?

Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?

What's your sign?

You have the ass of a great artist.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade

If I was Elvis, would you screw me?

Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...

Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)

"What was that?" "That sound." "It was the sound of my heart breaking."

I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?

Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.

Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.

Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM.

I'll bet you 10 bucks I could get all your cloths off in 30 seconds

Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire

Would you like to see me naked ??

I lost my phone number can I borrow yours ??

I was sitting here holding this cigarrete and I realized I'd rather be holding you

If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now

Anything drugs can do I can do with my tongue

Either way, I'm going to have you tonight, so you may as well be there.

Wanna go halves in a baby ?

Do you like chicken? Suck this it's foul!

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch!

I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

"Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better?"

The chick that usually sucks my dick has a shirt just like yours!

You know, the woman I'd forget about for you is blonde, too!

Do you eat pork ?

I couldn't help noticing that you were a chick, and, you know, chicks dig me...

Didn't I meet you in prison?

Wanna come back to my place and see my extensive Snapple-cap collection?

So seriously, what do think about the dialectical concept of nothingness?

Elvis was a genius, don't you agree?

You like pain too?

I'M VERY VERY VERY LONELY, and I was wonderin'...

Wanna feel my zyphoid process? I've got a HUGE zyphoid process.

I love my doggy. I killed my doggy. I love you. Come here, doggy.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Hey I am a wrestler, let me take you down.

I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.

Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?

I don't normally use pick up lines, but______(insert any of the above).

What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.

"I'm down here!"

"Just because I've got bells on my feet doesn't mean I'm a sissy!"

I was a lawn ornament for Gary Sweet."

"I can get you off the naughty list!"

"I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."

"It's not size that matters babe!"

"I get a thimbleful of tequila into me and I turn into a wild man!"

"You'd look hot in a Raggedy Ann wig!"

"I can eat my weight in cocktail frankfurts!"

She: "What do you think of this dress/top/skirt?" He: "I like nothing better!"

Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have the place in mind?"

When she asks for a match: "My penis, your vagina."

"Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!"

"Sorry, I thought you were someone else, by the way, here's my card."

To a mother: "What is your favourite position on extramarital sex?"

"Your place or the mens bathroom?"

"I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice back rub. Are the straps too tight darling? How very, very tragic."

Follow these instructions: 1. Make sure that you are in front of the person you are trying to attract. 2. Put your hands in a vertical plane and seperate your hands to the desired distance. 3. Look at the person of your affections with a shit eating, ear to ear grin. Shake your head up and down as to reply that you're this big.

"Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"

"I'm single!"

"Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"

"Would you like to come and party in my toolshed?"

To someone just out of the shower: "Can I borrow your towel?"

"I've got an itch. Lower. Lower."

"If you want me, don't wake me, or shake me, just take me."

"Hi, I'm a flight steward."

"May I please rest my head on your shoulder?"

Hold up a vibrator: "Do you know how to use one of these?"

"I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; Oh and by the way, you have my consent."

"I'm sure you didn't mean to turn me on with your big ass, but it's too late now!"